Unrequited love

I happen to stumble this on the net while browsing around :)

Somewhere there's someone who dreams of your smile,
And finds in your presence that life is worth while,
So when you are lonely, remember it's true:
Somebody, somewhere is thinking of you.

- Unknown

7 sins

Greed:	High
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	Low
Sloth:	Low
Envy:	Medium
Lust:	Low
Pride:	Medium

Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz

Daydreaming

I actually have quite some things to do, but yet I'm slacking terribly. While i'm enjoying my chorizo, i'm actually daydreaming, about houses.. and retirement lol (am i getting that old?).

This is triggered by an event from a few days ago. A few days ago I encountered a beautiful house. Not too big, but certainly beautiful enough to call it pittoresque. I use this word, because it reminds me of those small houses in the farmlands of southern France. The bricks were painted white, while the windows and other woordwork were painted marine blue. You could open up the upper half of the doors only, so u could use them as windows as well.

The garden was perfectly decorated with nicely flowers from different colors here and there. And it mixed harmonious with the white bricks and marine blue windows. Especially the greenery. The wooden couch was painted marine blue as well. It all gave u a very homely, cozy, and family like impression. At the first sight, you could tell the owner treated the house with lots of love.

The interior was simple.. lots of whites.. it felt almost country like, but also a tad modern and but still simplistic. But it really give you this cosy feeling again. Most interesting part, and probably the thing that really catched my eye, were the bordeaux red text on the milk white wall. You could find the following text on the wall:


Plate du jour
soupe l'amour
amiété à lá carte
coupe le bonheur
du vin rouge

There were some elderly ladies enjoying from the beautiful weather outside, and a very neat and nice looking lady from around 50 happen to be the owner of this beautiful house. I asked her about the words on the wall. And also had to check what it meant, since my French isn't that good. She was so nice, she even offered me coffee. Her sister who visited her was also a very nice lady, and the other old lady happened to be her mother, who stayed over. She was already 90ish, but still had the sharpness of a young lady.

The owner explained to me that she did most of the things herself. And I have to be honest, you could see it that it was done with love. She was also very proud of her house, and thanked me for the interests. The text on the wall was written by her daughter in law. She really had a beautiful handwriting, since the words really decorated the wall. But it's those words that made me remember this house and this encounter untill today.

I dream of such house. I would like one when I retire. But preferably not in the Netherlands. In the farmlands of southern France maybe, or on some hills in Tuscanny. An old one... one I can work on. I really love the sceneries in southern France. And it would be great if the weather would let me to build my own wine. On the other hand, i'm not such a fan of French people. I love the culture, the history, the scenery of the country, but somehow I have something against French people. They are too proud, and too loud I guess.

So I would most probably want a house in Italy... amoung the beautiful scenery of Tuscany, on some hill, where I can over look the coutnryside from a top. With forests here and there, maybe a beautiful ponds or lake nearby :). I've never been in Tuscany to be honest, but pictures of it has made me love the region before I've been able the witness it's beauty with my own eyes.

Then again, it doesn't matter where the house is, or what the house looks like. It's what it stands for. I can imagine sharing this house with the most charming and lovable lady. And I would build the house myself if I could. And even if I couldn't I would like to do most of it myself. Because the house has a meaning. And I feel priveleged to be able to paint it, or work on it. Every streak of paint, should be done with my own hands, because everyone of them should show my love for the house, or rather where it stands for ^_^.

Some MV

Hmmm lots of Harlem Yu MV lol... bored.. but can't be bothered with blogging... just listen to some MV guys =P

I'm a jerk

FACT: I was an insentive jerk!...
I saw the light.. and finally realise that i was insensitive... and never were able to see things from her side.

Never meant to make you cry

Had another horrible night of sleep, but I guess it can't be helped. I've been trying to focus on things ahead, and be optimistic during the day, but everytime i close my eyes, I seem to see images of her. And when I finally am so tired that I fall asleep.. I somehow have to wake up because I happen to dream of her. I guess such is the life of surpressed feelings. Can't be helped.. but I have to survive, besides... I have to admit that some of the dreams are really beautiful. It's ironic that I sound like that I love my subconcious life more than my real one.

But in my dreams I can still silently continue to like her. Without bothering her, I could still admire her from distance. Something I don't dare to do in real anymore. I'm afraid I would make her cry again once I have to face her. Last two days I've been trying to avoid her. Not that it's so hard to avoid her, but instead of searching for her, what I want to do so deep in my heart, I chose to avoid her as much as possible. It's simply because I seem to cause her so much discomfort. And all I wanted to do was to make her smile. Preferably smile forever, but even when I am able to catch that faint of her smile I would be happy, and all my efforts in making her doing so would be worth it.

Ironically, all I did was make her cry. In my silly attempts to make her happy, I only seem to fail terribly, and instead making her cry. It pains my heart to make her cry. Secretly I really hope to be the guy that could continue to make her smile... and paint her days with colors of the rainbow, but as I realise I might not be the guy... I slowly and gradually hope she will one day find someone that could do instead of me.

Of course I would be jealous. No, maybe envious is the word to describe it, but seeing her being happy and be able to smile would bring enough comfort in my heart. That I rather be envious, and I'll have to find my own path on my own. At least I'll have comfort in my heart, since I know she's able to smile again. Maybe then... then we could try to pick up the friendship we once lost.

I'll be her friend in heart forever. And always hoping for the day she can embrace me as a friend again. She will always have a special place in my heart, and my heart feels broken for the fact that I caused her pain..... so be it. Let time and fate decide what's in store for us. I'll be happy as long I know she's smiling, somewhere...

After I met her

I decided to blog a more personal entry. It's my blog afterall, but I'll remain vague, and blur out the facts... since I yet can't feel comfortable speaking in the open. I also would like to protect those I talk about

It's funny how things turn out at times. Last months I realise I gradually started to like someone I've known for 3 years now. Not that I actually took the time to get to know her before. Not untill last november, when she logged on MSN more often, and he held long chats till late night.

She's a rebel, but someone who's full of live. Relaxed, caring, a little bit of oddball, but certainly has a big heart. Things I was obvlious about for over 3 years. And too be honest, it's actually hard to believe that an angel like her has been so close to me all this time, while I never noticed her.

Although I always thought our relationship never evolved, now I think back, things did happen pretty fast. Especially considering the fact that we know each other for so long, and suddenly I happen to know her so much better.

She use to be a close person. Someone that would not open up easily. I guess, my talkative nature did help, and opened her a bit up.. a bit by bit.. gradually I started to know more about her. And I felt that we started to touch eachother's heart... Not that much as I wanted it. But still.. we were getting there.

Yesterday, I realise I was the most stupid man in the world. She claimed that things moved to fast.. and that my gift for her was too big for her to accept. Even said things like that it might be better if she gets out of my life. Those words still burns in my heart, and still feels like she ripped it open with mere words only. I still haven't been able to see her, but I also don't dare to reach out to her.

Once again, I feel stupid. Not only have I ruined our relationship, i'm about to lose a friend I truly trust. Not only did I like her, but she seem to give life so much meaning. She's such a nice and warm person... sigh...

It can't be helped but to feel hopeless and useless now. I tried to focus on things ahead, and just let nature takes it course. If things were not meant to be, then they are not meant to be. Yet I can't stop myself from typing this out. I;ve bothered the people around me more than enough, and maybe I should not bother them too much about it as well. I sound impulsive, emotional lately. I feel different as well. Not so sure about things ahead... a feeling I thought I lost long time ago.

Conclusion of all this? I'm not sure.. i'm too lost to find the proper words. All I can say is that time will always tell what will happen. And nature will always find its ways. There's not much else for us to do, but to embrace time, and accept the natural ways. There are certain things we have no control over. All I could do, and should have done, i've done. Rest of the of things are beyond my reach. I guess, all I can do is to observe, wait, and hope for the best. Even when things turn out bad, I'll try my best to salvage the friendship we once had. Or what's left of it.

What kind of angel am i?

What Kind of Angel are you?

GUARD ANGELyou love to help, you can't bared someone suffering, you give hope and caml to the world
Take this quiz!








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