Never meant to make you cry

Had another horrible night of sleep, but I guess it can't be helped. I've been trying to focus on things ahead, and be optimistic during the day, but everytime i close my eyes, I seem to see images of her. And when I finally am so tired that I fall asleep.. I somehow have to wake up because I happen to dream of her. I guess such is the life of surpressed feelings. Can't be helped.. but I have to survive, besides... I have to admit that some of the dreams are really beautiful. It's ironic that I sound like that I love my subconcious life more than my real one.

But in my dreams I can still silently continue to like her. Without bothering her, I could still admire her from distance. Something I don't dare to do in real anymore. I'm afraid I would make her cry again once I have to face her. Last two days I've been trying to avoid her. Not that it's so hard to avoid her, but instead of searching for her, what I want to do so deep in my heart, I chose to avoid her as much as possible. It's simply because I seem to cause her so much discomfort. And all I wanted to do was to make her smile. Preferably smile forever, but even when I am able to catch that faint of her smile I would be happy, and all my efforts in making her doing so would be worth it.

Ironically, all I did was make her cry. In my silly attempts to make her happy, I only seem to fail terribly, and instead making her cry. It pains my heart to make her cry. Secretly I really hope to be the guy that could continue to make her smile... and paint her days with colors of the rainbow, but as I realise I might not be the guy... I slowly and gradually hope she will one day find someone that could do instead of me.

Of course I would be jealous. No, maybe envious is the word to describe it, but seeing her being happy and be able to smile would bring enough comfort in my heart. That I rather be envious, and I'll have to find my own path on my own. At least I'll have comfort in my heart, since I know she's able to smile again. Maybe then... then we could try to pick up the friendship we once lost.

I'll be her friend in heart forever. And always hoping for the day she can embrace me as a friend again. She will always have a special place in my heart, and my heart feels broken for the fact that I caused her pain..... so be it. Let time and fate decide what's in store for us. I'll be happy as long I know she's smiling, somewhere...