Where no man has gone before

We can live our lives as we are on a voayage with no set goals, just drifting over the majestic sea. Not knowing where you are headed, not knowing what tomorrow has in store for you. Everyday will be a gift, and every day is a new adventure.

At first it might sound mighty cool. It seems like the kind of life you would like to go for. Carefree, full of surprises. But is this really what we really want for ourselves?

Is there no other option? A top coach, Ron White once said that we should our live with a true mission. A mission like one in Star Trek Enterprise: "To boldly go where no man has gone before." It's at least as adventurous as not going where you are going. Probably even more interesting, as you have a certain goal. A goal that might be bigger than you are. What if you happen to do achieve it? Wouldn't you love the results?

I'm not sure if anyone would like to chose the latter. There are probably people out there who would like the carefree life. As for me, I've played with this dillemma for far too long, and feel like I should awaken. I should get my goals clear. Put them on paper, find pictures of it... trying to visualize them and memorize them, so I can work towards them every single day. Everyday should be one to be remembered, and every day should be worthwhile. As Steve Jobs said: death is  the very best invention of life. Our times are limited. So have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

With these wise words I'll end this post, and continue to reflect.

The path ahead

Ok! Change is needed!
Recently I realised that a few things changed in life. It kind of made me understand things that I should have understood ages ago. Of course it's never too late to do so, but still ;).

One of those simple things is that in communication what's important is not what you say. It's all about what the reciever percieve. Therefore results are not important as long as they are not percieved the way you want them to be. In order to communicate effectively I need to work on the way people percieve what I converse.

Another thing is that changes don't take plac by making my to change. Gradual change will happen if I start to realise what doesn't work.

I can go on and on what I realised recently. Suprisingly these are relatively simple stuff, but it still took me over 30 yrs to wake up and see the truth.

This all made me change my blog. From now on, I'll just randomly type. Write down all the things that comes into my mind, and eventually I hope I can look back and see how gradually my visions have changed. And how the world around me changes.

Ok, that's it for tonight. I hereby promise myself to reflect more and blog more. So, to who ever is still reading my blog. See you soon!

Finding oneself

Hey all,

Since I haven't blogged for so long, I figured that no one might read this. Yet I feel like writing. I decided I have to do it more. I have to stand still and look back, and look forward. Best way for me is to read, and to write.

A week or so ago, I had a good talk with some of my collegues about the company we work for. It was about what we stand for. We were talking about what we stand for, and what experience it gives people if they hear our name.
This made me think what people experience if they hear my own name. Where does 'Andrew' stand for? If I think further, I realise I might need to brand myself, and even 'market' myself.

While thinking about all this, I start to realise that I'm not 100% sure who I am. It's good to make sure what I want in life, and what I expect people to see in me. And I need to promote the right qualities, and start to believe in them. Guess I need to do some homework this weekend. Anyone ever been through the same?

Time to reinvent myself.

Open minded vs validation

Found an old rant i never posted:

We all know this situation, like when you meet someone new, you validate everything he/she says. Yet you don't want to sound judgmental, so you have to keep an open mind. That's what have been working for me so far.
You can only be open minded to a certain extent. Even though you don't want to be judgemental, and don't want to be too rude. The reason is, that you don't want to lose yourself as a person. You can't love everything someone else like, and not everything someone else does is excellent. Of course, this can happen if you don't have your own opninion, but so far I haven't met any who doesn't.

Needless to say being honest doesn't mean u are not open minded. Being open minded simply means you are open to opinion or ideas. In order to be yourself you have to have an open mind to new ideas and yet don't lose yourself. Form ideas, visions and share them with others. If u stay open minded and willing to spare with others
to sharpen your mind, people will respect you for that. If you are able to defend your own stand point that people will respect you even more!

I'll be back!

Coming soon....

Jazzy mood

Lately, I seem to get the sunday blues more often. Especially when I decide to have a relaxed sunday eve.

I'm not sure what it is. Maybe I'm becoming a more people person, and lack the people around me, when I stay home on a sunday evening.

I realised that music helps me through the sundays. Especially jazz and blues. I love Elvis Costello, but especially Diana Krall. She got this soft, sexy jazzy voice, that ease my feelings.

Music is a good remedy, but books too. I love to read through my sundays. Since I have to limit my urge for coffee and red wine, I decide I should replace these drinks with Chinese tea.

I sometimes wonder how other people spend their "me" time on sunday. It took me quite awhile to feel comfortable on a sunday eve. And nowadays, I totally love my sunday evenings.

Ok, I guess I should go back to Chet Baker and my Chinese tea. Currently I'm reading Masterful Coaching, and it will most probably keep me company for awhile.

And not to forget,

Happy new year everyone!

First steps

As I take my first steps into the world of leadership, I realised that I've always been rather naive. A new world opened to me, but surprisingly this world has always been around the corner. I've never taken a peek around this corner, so I've always been oblivious to this vast world out there.

Recently, I started realised that every man needs a little time for himself, so that he's able to look back what he has achieved. At the same time, he can take his chances to look forward as well. Basically we all need a moment when we can be a hermit, and retreat ourselves into our secret hideout.

Figurative speaking of course, in real it usually simply means doing things we really enjoy. Some people like to walk in the woods, while I personally dives into books, while enjoying my coffee. I might enjoy walk in the woods, but the problem is that there are no woods around me. At least not at cycle distance. Next to reading, I love to jog around the lake. I have to admit that I'm somewhat lazy lately, and I know that I'm gradually gaining weight again (but that's another story :P). Bottom line is, we all have our own way to find ourselves again. A little time to think about the past and what's ahead.

This is important as a leader too. We can't stay level headed forever, so we need to retreat ourselves in order to look forward from time to time. It's the same in life. If we don't look forward from time to time, we will be led by life, while we are the one suppose to be leading the life. As a manager you will become a victim of the daily routines, and all the "priorities" of daily/weekly activities. Instead of you being the one to manage things, you will be managed by all these necessities. Therefore we need our time to look advance, and beyond. Maybe way beyond. That way we can set our course in career, life, and business. That way we will be able to take control of life again, instead of being led by it. Once our path is set, we will get back to the right track again...

So much for the new journey

Not too long ago I've promised myself to centre myself a little. So far I haven't been doing very well.

Problem is, in a modern busy life, it's hard to keep promises you made to yourself. Before you know you are behind on schedule with everything. New jobs, new relations, new friends they keep following each other up, making you forget the promise you made to yourself.

That's why I realise why we sometimes need a little "me" time. Especially when you seem to lag behind with everything, that's when you need a pause. I'm not the meditating kind of person, neither would I take a sabbatical leave. I realise I find myself more easily when I'm comfortable with myself. That means reading on a couch, with a nice cup of espresso.

I also promised myself to blog more. It seems like I think more about everything when I take some spare time off to blog about random things.

I also should sport more. Next to the fact that I'm getting fat. It also seems like I'm somewhat lacking energy.

Bottom line is, is that I need to take some time away from everything, every now and then. Or else I might get stuck in the maze of road ahead.

Life is hectic, life is a maze, but when you are able to take your time, and think things over, you might find that one road you need to walk on, and it might be very evident and clear to you.

Oh well... I guess it's time to stop my ramblings and get my @rse moved.

A new journey in life

I've taken a new course in life. From now on, I'll try to rethink things, and try to see the meaning behind every detail, while I normally would miss. By taking things for granted we forget little details in things that actually makes our life worthwhile.

Today, I've spoken to a friend of mine, which I haven't spoken for a long time. Because of her problems, and me inspiring and motivating her, I realise that I actually have to inspire myself too.

My first step in my journey is just "being myself". I have to define myself, and try to remember myself from time to time who I actually am. I need to think of methods to strengthen my personality. I've promise myself to record all this stuff, so I decided to put it all on this blog. I doubt anyone is interested enough to read it, except for those I don't mind to show. Of course, I can never be totally transparent while I put this on-line, but on the other hand. If I truly believe in the words I put here, then there's nothing to hide as well :).

Ah well, my new journey awaits me

Quietly

Just when I was in a sentimental mood, while I thought I could feel sorry for myself, I realise that there's no time for my silly moody love problems...

Last night I turned to a friend talking about my silly problems. I eventually realize that my problems weren't that big compared to hers. Her life is drastically changing, because someone in her family is seriously sick. She's uncertain about the road ahead, and I have never been there to listen to her problems and situation.

At this moment I can only feel guilt. And I dunno why, but I'm listening to Harlem's quietly, and it's soothing. I promised myself that I would spend more time on people who deserve my time. I promised myself I would spend less time with people who are not certain that they really want my time :X. I promised myself.. tomorrow on... i'll try to walk the better path, the one I should have walked on long before today....

For those who wonder

Hey all,

I'm still around. It's just that I've been busy with work, life, partying, gaming, going out, and that blogging is not one of my priorities anymore, but through all the travelling, and partying etc, I seem to have changed a little. And I probably want to rethink of everything eventually. It's time to grab my laptop and post some entries again I guess.

Past couple of months have been hectic. Not exactly hectic, but lot of things have changed. Maybe i'll post about it soon :).

No time for being sentimental

Things which matters most must never be at mercy of things which matters least
--Geothe

Sometimes things just go different than we expected. And even when they seem to be within your grasp it can be gone within a second. Somethings seem so fragile, especially human relations.

You might think that true friendships will last forever, but in order to do so, you need to show that you have been a true friend, and continue to do so. Without these actions even the best friendships will fade away.

Some of us might think that true love will last forever. And maybe that's true at too, but even true love need to be shown from time to time. And we all seem to perceive things in different way.

I use to think that if things start from the heart, that all things will eventually shine through. And although I still believe that matters what you carry in your heart, maybe without speaking or really showing it, counts more than superficial acts and words, that carries values.

I gradually realize that carrying things in the heart is not enough for some people. And as a guy I learned to act different from I think. Especially on more personal and emotional matters. Maybe it's mainly because of the fact that I don't know how to handle with these things, but as I said, I sometimes choose to ignore it, or showing things the other way around. And somehow, it seems to be picked up the wrong way. Even though that I meant it totally different in my heart, this is not sensed. All people see and judge are things they can see with their eyes. You might think that someone who has been knowing u for months, will gradually get to know you better, but eventually u will see the truth, and truth is, you are totally misunderstood.

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.

I cracked up when i saw this quote. Anyway, not that I truly believe I'm good, but there times I did think I meant it the good way, but has been misunderstood.

Then again, there's not much else I can do. I just need learn to act according to my heart and mind, and hope that my true intentions will be read the right way. I just need to continue to follow my path of principles, and believe what is right and true. And eventually, it will always shine through :). That's what I believe, and will always be believing. That's a principle in life that will never change, and will always can hold on to.

Like Alphonse Elric would say:
Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy's First Law of Equivalent Exchange. In those days, we really believed that to be the world's one, and only, truth.

New start!

I got enough of thinking i'm the stable, rational guy, who is dependable, serious, wise and bla bla bla.
I'm still not that kinda person.. It's time for me to play play and play some more :P. Life is a adventure~ Life is waiting... Here I come, life *hugs life*.

For those who have no idea what i'm talking about. Sorry for wasting your time by making u all reading this :X

Unconditionally

Hi all,

Haven't blog for a long time. And I realise, I only blog again, because i'm in a somewhat sentimental situation again.

I realised that I liked someone very much, and was willing to do lot of things for her. But not unconditionally. I only did things on the condition that she would like me back. Untill today i'm not 100% if she ever did. Even though she hinted it a 1000 times, but i'll still not know.

Not only because i'm ignorant, but because she is in a tough situation is not willing to make that decision. At least that's what she told me.

In the passed I tried to be there for her, and I realised that wasn't totally without conditions. I liked her.. and i wanted her to like me back.

Now I should try to like her, and be there for her, without having her.

You might think that i live in a dreamworld, but I truely believe that's what I really want for now. It might be a dream only.. but it's a dream i would like to have, for now...

Unrequited love

I happen to stumble this on the net while browsing around :)

Somewhere there's someone who dreams of your smile,
And finds in your presence that life is worth while,
So when you are lonely, remember it's true:
Somebody, somewhere is thinking of you.

- Unknown

Daydreaming

I actually have quite some things to do, but yet I'm slacking terribly. While i'm enjoying my chorizo, i'm actually daydreaming, about houses.. and retirement lol (am i getting that old?).

This is triggered by an event from a few days ago. A few days ago I encountered a beautiful house. Not too big, but certainly beautiful enough to call it pittoresque. I use this word, because it reminds me of those small houses in the farmlands of southern France. The bricks were painted white, while the windows and other woordwork were painted marine blue. You could open up the upper half of the doors only, so u could use them as windows as well.

The garden was perfectly decorated with nicely flowers from different colors here and there. And it mixed harmonious with the white bricks and marine blue windows. Especially the greenery. The wooden couch was painted marine blue as well. It all gave u a very homely, cozy, and family like impression. At the first sight, you could tell the owner treated the house with lots of love.

The interior was simple.. lots of whites.. it felt almost country like, but also a tad modern and but still simplistic. But it really give you this cosy feeling again. Most interesting part, and probably the thing that really catched my eye, were the bordeaux red text on the milk white wall. You could find the following text on the wall:


Plate du jour
soupe l'amour
amiété à lá carte
coupe le bonheur
du vin rouge

There were some elderly ladies enjoying from the beautiful weather outside, and a very neat and nice looking lady from around 50 happen to be the owner of this beautiful house. I asked her about the words on the wall. And also had to check what it meant, since my French isn't that good. She was so nice, she even offered me coffee. Her sister who visited her was also a very nice lady, and the other old lady happened to be her mother, who stayed over. She was already 90ish, but still had the sharpness of a young lady.

The owner explained to me that she did most of the things herself. And I have to be honest, you could see it that it was done with love. She was also very proud of her house, and thanked me for the interests. The text on the wall was written by her daughter in law. She really had a beautiful handwriting, since the words really decorated the wall. But it's those words that made me remember this house and this encounter untill today.

I dream of such house. I would like one when I retire. But preferably not in the Netherlands. In the farmlands of southern France maybe, or on some hills in Tuscanny. An old one... one I can work on. I really love the sceneries in southern France. And it would be great if the weather would let me to build my own wine. On the other hand, i'm not such a fan of French people. I love the culture, the history, the scenery of the country, but somehow I have something against French people. They are too proud, and too loud I guess.

So I would most probably want a house in Italy... amoung the beautiful scenery of Tuscany, on some hill, where I can over look the coutnryside from a top. With forests here and there, maybe a beautiful ponds or lake nearby :). I've never been in Tuscany to be honest, but pictures of it has made me love the region before I've been able the witness it's beauty with my own eyes.

Then again, it doesn't matter where the house is, or what the house looks like. It's what it stands for. I can imagine sharing this house with the most charming and lovable lady. And I would build the house myself if I could. And even if I couldn't I would like to do most of it myself. Because the house has a meaning. And I feel priveleged to be able to paint it, or work on it. Every streak of paint, should be done with my own hands, because everyone of them should show my love for the house, or rather where it stands for ^_^.

I'm a jerk

FACT: I was an insentive jerk!...
I saw the light.. and finally realise that i was insensitive... and never were able to see things from her side.

Never meant to make you cry

Had another horrible night of sleep, but I guess it can't be helped. I've been trying to focus on things ahead, and be optimistic during the day, but everytime i close my eyes, I seem to see images of her. And when I finally am so tired that I fall asleep.. I somehow have to wake up because I happen to dream of her. I guess such is the life of surpressed feelings. Can't be helped.. but I have to survive, besides... I have to admit that some of the dreams are really beautiful. It's ironic that I sound like that I love my subconcious life more than my real one.

But in my dreams I can still silently continue to like her. Without bothering her, I could still admire her from distance. Something I don't dare to do in real anymore. I'm afraid I would make her cry again once I have to face her. Last two days I've been trying to avoid her. Not that it's so hard to avoid her, but instead of searching for her, what I want to do so deep in my heart, I chose to avoid her as much as possible. It's simply because I seem to cause her so much discomfort. And all I wanted to do was to make her smile. Preferably smile forever, but even when I am able to catch that faint of her smile I would be happy, and all my efforts in making her doing so would be worth it.

Ironically, all I did was make her cry. In my silly attempts to make her happy, I only seem to fail terribly, and instead making her cry. It pains my heart to make her cry. Secretly I really hope to be the guy that could continue to make her smile... and paint her days with colors of the rainbow, but as I realise I might not be the guy... I slowly and gradually hope she will one day find someone that could do instead of me.

Of course I would be jealous. No, maybe envious is the word to describe it, but seeing her being happy and be able to smile would bring enough comfort in my heart. That I rather be envious, and I'll have to find my own path on my own. At least I'll have comfort in my heart, since I know she's able to smile again. Maybe then... then we could try to pick up the friendship we once lost.

I'll be her friend in heart forever. And always hoping for the day she can embrace me as a friend again. She will always have a special place in my heart, and my heart feels broken for the fact that I caused her pain..... so be it. Let time and fate decide what's in store for us. I'll be happy as long I know she's smiling, somewhere...

After I met her

I decided to blog a more personal entry. It's my blog afterall, but I'll remain vague, and blur out the facts... since I yet can't feel comfortable speaking in the open. I also would like to protect those I talk about

It's funny how things turn out at times. Last months I realise I gradually started to like someone I've known for 3 years now. Not that I actually took the time to get to know her before. Not untill last november, when she logged on MSN more often, and he held long chats till late night.

She's a rebel, but someone who's full of live. Relaxed, caring, a little bit of oddball, but certainly has a big heart. Things I was obvlious about for over 3 years. And too be honest, it's actually hard to believe that an angel like her has been so close to me all this time, while I never noticed her.

Although I always thought our relationship never evolved, now I think back, things did happen pretty fast. Especially considering the fact that we know each other for so long, and suddenly I happen to know her so much better.

She use to be a close person. Someone that would not open up easily. I guess, my talkative nature did help, and opened her a bit up.. a bit by bit.. gradually I started to know more about her. And I felt that we started to touch eachother's heart... Not that much as I wanted it. But still.. we were getting there.

Yesterday, I realise I was the most stupid man in the world. She claimed that things moved to fast.. and that my gift for her was too big for her to accept. Even said things like that it might be better if she gets out of my life. Those words still burns in my heart, and still feels like she ripped it open with mere words only. I still haven't been able to see her, but I also don't dare to reach out to her.

Once again, I feel stupid. Not only have I ruined our relationship, i'm about to lose a friend I truly trust. Not only did I like her, but she seem to give life so much meaning. She's such a nice and warm person... sigh...

It can't be helped but to feel hopeless and useless now. I tried to focus on things ahead, and just let nature takes it course. If things were not meant to be, then they are not meant to be. Yet I can't stop myself from typing this out. I;ve bothered the people around me more than enough, and maybe I should not bother them too much about it as well. I sound impulsive, emotional lately. I feel different as well. Not so sure about things ahead... a feeling I thought I lost long time ago.

Conclusion of all this? I'm not sure.. i'm too lost to find the proper words. All I can say is that time will always tell what will happen. And nature will always find its ways. There's not much else for us to do, but to embrace time, and accept the natural ways. There are certain things we have no control over. All I could do, and should have done, i've done. Rest of the of things are beyond my reach. I guess, all I can do is to observe, wait, and hope for the best. Even when things turn out bad, I'll try my best to salvage the friendship we once had. Or what's left of it.

Commenting other blogs

I haven't checked Mindy's blog for a long time. So today I decided to drop by for a slow stop. After reading her latest entries I decided to comment on it. In short was the initial idea, but eventually it turned out that I was lost in thoughts, and had so much to talk about.
I guess a lot of little things happened lately, enough to make me reflect.

The following was my comment:
Lately, I realised I've fell back on my routines. So far back, that I almost start acting like a kid. Don't misunderstand me, i've always been some sort of grown up kid, and I like to hold on to my naiveness, in order to keep myself simple. But all that is a choice, one that i'm aware off. Lately my rash and somewhat stupidious actions are not part of a choice, but mere routines.

Yes I'm lost as well, now knowing where i'm heading. Actually I have no idea what tomorrow will bring me, but I've decided just to let it go, and not to think about it. I'll just embrace tomorrow as it comes. And not bother what i might be missing in life. Because I know that I would only become more lost in my emotions and thoughts by doing that. Instead I choose to have faith decide what my path will be. Tomorrow is another day. One that I'll embrace with all my childness and naiveness.

Heh, I don't know the feeling of envy. I am too busy with myself so i am unable to notice others I guess, but I always do feel happy when people around me are blessed with happiness. And it always surprises me how little it takes to make people feel blessed. Of course how little it takes to make them feel miserable as well.

Anyway, I had planned for a short comment but it seems like i've ranting more than you did now. :)

Obviously this comment was actually way to long, and I really hope she does not mind. Then again, knowing her, she would not mind :). She always have been a lovely lady, and she probably always will be ^_^.